"Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind" they said.
Sat there by the window,
drew up my knees, hugged them.
Stared into the pouring rain, on
Pink anthuriums and red ixoras
Thoroughly drenched and dripping wet
My chest heavy as I waited.
I knew that he knew, my restless eyes
Could spot him in an angry crowd.
He defined everything around me,
The time, the depth, the joy and the despair.
Shook water off his hair as he smiled,
The smile he had carried since boyhood, my only treasure.
I wasn't even thinking anymore, it
Suddenly felt so hard to cling to thoughts.
Smelled the rain on him, before
Tasting it in the hollow of his throat.
I existed only where his dark eyes rested
As desire shaped the rest of the night.
The storm continued to go wild around us,
And the night kept watch, like a faithful friend.
The rest was a frenzy of blurred images,
The angle of his collar bones, the strength in his arms,
His bony wrists and his perfect fingers.
He gathered all my broken pieces as a breeze lifted off.
It felt like a distant dream, a vision,
Even on the many nights that followed,
The cold, wet, humid, quiet nights.
Every time he walked away, he left behind
A garden, one that grew roots into my veins
And bloomed into my darkest corners.
Took his face into my hands
And drew it close to mine, eyes closed.
How long did it last? Did it even last?
Each time he left, he took away a part of me,
That I willingly let him steal ,
Deep down I knew, they were safer with him.
I want it and I want it now
Don't let the rain make me wait
"I know, it's not normal"
Trying to keep it masked
And then I hear your voice..
"We should wait"
Like shadows in slow motion
Apologies won't fix this
"You have no idea"
I can't handle it anymore
My breath gave it away
"Take me places"
Keep the fire burning
Pick the roses you planted..
Even if life leads us to the point
Of slamming doors and hurling words
Silent rooms and empty hallways
I want our souls and bodies
To find their way to each other
To weave a blanket around each other
And hold us tight and still
Till it's sunshine and rainbows again.
I can never forget how colourful it was
Hope alone filled my insides
Gave me a million reasons to smile
To feel better about tomorrow
And it all came crashing down
Shattering me to pieces
The grief so bad,
Memories still make my chest feel heavy
So much that I am tired
Of this place and the people
I probably need ages to replace
All that I had given away
Deep down, I still want it
A home, a garden may be
Yellow sunsets and quiet nights
All fading away in my mind
Our lives will never collide again
And I am never repeating my mistakes
Volumes of trust thrown down the drain
My scars will never heal, and that's fine
I gave my all and I still will to the right one
Only to someone who knows me inside out
Will let the rain drench my soul down
Someday, as I hold his hand in mine.
They are in all shades of green
Some shades of brown and yellow
Some variegated like in a piece of art
Some in full bloom and glory
Some gloomy from missing the Sun.
They all stare at me, endlessly
Deep into my soul
Like they know the truth
That I am not me anymore
That I am broken
That I am shattered
Into a million pieces
And I break again on every new day
It just doesn't stop.
I cry endless tears
Tears of pain and regret
Tears of guilt and remorse
Tears of helplessness
From depths so dark
It scares me to death.
They've seen me hold on
To pieces of hope and comfort
Before losing it again.
They've seen me tend to them
Caress their new shoots
Watch their roots curl
Feel their flowers bloom
Mourn their falling leaves
With love and concern
Like they were my babies,
Like they heard the voices in my head
And understood my whispers.
They still sit in patience
Watching me rise and go to bed
Every other day as usual
Now an integral part of me,
You ll know I am long gone
When you see them withered.
The world around me keeps changing,
Like change alone keeps working hard.
No matter how long the wait is,
Or how strong the longing,
I am never forgiven,
Nor treated with kindness.
The bleeding never seems to end, trust me
I've been through the darkest alleys
To come across you
And this better be right.
"The wind never lies" they said
"May be, Not to my cold heart."
It might take a million sunsets for you
To look into my soul,
It would never make a difference.
You may not mend the leaks,
Or heal the scars, or
See right through my heart,
All I want is for you to see
How my insides glow
Every time I think of you.