"Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind" they said.
Sat there by the window,
drew up my knees, hugged them.
Stared into the pouring rain, on
Pink anthuriums and red ixoras
Thoroughly drenched and dripping wet
My chest heavy as I waited.
I knew that he knew, my restless eyes
Could spot him in an angry crowd.
He defined everything around me,
The time, the depth, the joy and the despair.
Shook water off his hair as he smiled,
The smile he had carried since boyhood, my only treasure.
I wasn't even thinking anymore, it
Suddenly felt so hard to cling to thoughts.
Smelled the rain on him, before
Tasting it in the hollow of his throat.
I existed only where his dark eyes rested
As desire shaped the rest of the night.
The storm continued to go wild around us,
And the night kept watch, like a faithful friend.
The rest was a frenzy of blurred images,
The angle of his collar bones, the strength in his arms,
His bony wrists and his perfect fingers.
He gathered all my broken pieces as a breeze lifted off.
It felt like a distant dream, a vision,
Even on the many nights that followed,
The cold, wet, humid, quiet nights.
Every time he walked away, he left behind
A garden, one that grew roots into my veins
And bloomed into my darkest corners.
Took his face into my hands
And drew it close to mine, eyes closed.
How long did it last? Did it even last?
Each time he left, he took away a part of me,
That I willingly let him steal ,
Deep down I knew, they were safer with him.
They are in all shades of green
Some shades of brown and yellow
Some variegated like in a piece of art
Some in full bloom and glory
Some gloomy from missing the Sun.
They all stare at me, endlessly
Deep into my soul
Like they know the truth
That I am not me anymore
That I am broken
That I am shattered
Into a million pieces
And I break again on every new day
It just doesn't stop.
I cry endless tears
Tears of pain and regret
Tears of guilt and remorse
Tears of helplessness
From depths so dark
It scares me to death.
They've seen me hold on
To pieces of hope and comfort
Before losing it again.
They've seen me tend to them
Caress their new shoots
Watch their roots curl
Feel their flowers bloom
Mourn their falling leaves
With love and concern
Like they were my babies,
Like they heard the voices in my head
And understood my whispers.
They still sit in patience
Watching me rise and go to bed
Every other day as usual
Now an integral part of me,
You ll know I am long gone
When you see them withered.
It was just going to be a painful continuation of the months prior
Of brimming doubt and self pity
Of endless nights and long days
Of dark shadows and nightmares.
It was five days into December
When things took a turn.
I wont lie, I did resist.
Did it work? Hardly a week,
May be two?
Someone just walked into my Winter
Slow at first, like the summer rains,
Its probably a dream till date,
One I never wish to wake up from.
It changed about everything that I thought I knew
About me, about pain, about life.
I saw sunshine and rainbows, would have named
Unicorns too, if I wasn't in my mid twenties.
It burned away reality, redefined it,
Made me stare at sunsets,
Crave for chocolate ice cream?
Days when a yellow leaf amazed me for hours.
I remember every single exchange
For a month every song I heard was about those eyes,
Hoping that what's meant to be, will be.
Realising I didn't need ages to replace what I gave away.
It's a long wait, and its okay.
If life has other plans for us
Like it always does,
Know that I am totally at peace with it.
Everything I do brings me to you somehow.
Though we have hardly touched each other's lives
But we did explore the wild lands, that
Never even existed before.
Where there is a stillness to things
Where nothing needs to be said,
Where memories last forever.
They don't need to be defined or understood,