Fireflies in the Storm

I don’t think I know how to say how I feel right now. The past few days haven’t been good. I know I only write verse here, couldn’t bother this time. It feels like I would choose not to swim even if I knew how to, if I fell.

Its been so long since I chose to repair what life broke in me, I dont know if I am done, but I ve had worser days. Things have changed since, since I chose to leave the doors open. And people did walk in, some of them too amazing to even describe. So much that it is still too good to be real. And this is what changed things deep inside me, it would be such a shame not to acknowledge this soul, atleast now.

When small talk was out of question, conversations lasted hours as time slipped as smoothly as it could around me. Days and weeks passed almost un noticed. It felt calm and serene deep down to stare at this person’s existence, his presence in my life. I didnt need anything else to forget the rest of the world, I still dont know how to say how I feel.

I know I havent even breathed the same air as he has, or been under the same roof as he has. Neither do I know how his shadow looks like, nor have I traced its outlines. I dont know how he likes his things kept, how he treats them, what ink he is into, or how he holds his pen. I havent seen him smile either, except for the blurry image of his face, I know nothing.

Everytime I open my mouth to say how I feel, nothing comes out, it feels terrible. All I can think of is that I could break him and that I would never be able to forgive myself ever in my life. How could I be so cold?If anyone ever tried to do some harm, I can see myself taking the hit, calling myself their eye for an eye for how much he meant to me, so let him go, and take me instead.

Its all blurry and twisted, but I have never felt better in years. I could hardly sleep a few hours a night, nothing I cared about anyways. The mere thought of that fragile soul resting miles away was enough to keep me going. Life isnt all rainbows is it? Neither is our mind, it doesnt let the goodness last. And mine did just that. It brought back the guilt and pain of the past’s mistakes, betrayals and hailstorms. I knew if I knew him I would fall for him, I fell. And realised I had a whole big ocean to swim out of before I could even let him know abut it.

I wished for days that he could see through my walls, and I, his. And when we finally did, it rained, poured cats and dogs. I was already falling and hoped he would hold my gaze for once and realise why it was so hard for me to find a reason, for everything. The rope I was pulling was not going to hold any longer unless he let go, and he did just that. A while later, the waters were calm again, warm and cozy.

Did anything change? My soul craves to hear a “No.” His arms are still around me, and I still believe its easier to let me go. How many times will I be allowed to change my mind? Swing back and forth? It took me this long to find him, years of heartache to feel anything like this, to be aware of a presence this warm and yet its so far away from happening.

‘Why?’.. you ask? Its too good for me, too lovely to be real, and equally scary. Too fragile to take the weight of it, is what keeps running through my mind. What if I have met the right person but at the wrong time? To tell my secrets and hear his, take me back to the stars, silence never felt more beautiful with anyone else. Nothing comes easy, true, he has no idea what he means to me. No idea what it felt like to see the tower fall to the ground. How hard it is to breathe when I cant see him by my side years from now.

To let him leave footsteps in every room, to let him see the depths of me no one was ever allowed to, to change my rules for him. To let him be the only one to see me raw and naked. We have miles to go.

All I want is the strength to hold on to it, to let the colours stay, stay this adorable.

The Monsoon and it’s Memories

"Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind" they said.

Sat there by the window,
drew up my knees, hugged them.
Stared into the pouring rain, on
Pink anthuriums and red ixoras
Thoroughly drenched and dripping wet
My chest heavy as I waited.

I knew that he knew, my restless eyes
Could spot him in an angry crowd.
He defined everything around me,
The time, the depth, the joy and the despair.
Shook water off his hair as he smiled,
The smile he had carried since boyhood, my only treasure.

I wasn't even thinking anymore, it
Suddenly felt so hard to cling to thoughts.
Smelled the rain on him, before
Tasting it in the hollow of his throat.
I existed only where his dark eyes rested
As desire shaped the rest of the night.

The storm continued to go wild around us,
And the night kept watch, like a faithful friend.
The rest was a frenzy of blurred images,
The angle of his collar bones, the strength in his arms,
His bony wrists and his perfect fingers.
He gathered all my broken pieces as a breeze lifted off.

It felt like a distant dream, a vision,
Even on the many nights that followed,
The cold, wet, humid, quiet nights.
Every time he walked away, he left behind
A garden, one that grew roots into my veins
And bloomed into my darkest corners.

Took his face into my hands 
And drew it close to mine, eyes closed.
How long did it last? Did it even last?
Each time he left, he took away a part of me,
That I willingly let him steal ,
Deep down I knew, they were safer with him.


You Laughed The Stars..

You laughed the stars
Into the sky..
Breeze in your hair
Light in your eyes
As I stood there with you
My hand safe in yours..
Letting the moment sink in
As my heart skipped a beat
And wondered if only
My blessings knew my flaws..

@Reowr prompt laughter challenge. Love to you my friend for making my morning deep and dreamy.

Moon light..

Photo by Joonas kääriäinen on Pexels.com
I keep finding you in random sentences
On random pages of good books
Let it sink into my wandering mind,
Like peonies on a stormy night.
I would let the pale moon light 
Paint your skin across mine, 
And curse it's luck under my breath
Blessed be my eyes.

Oh No..!

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I want it and I want it now
Don't let the rain make me wait
"I know, it's not normal"
Trying to keep it masked
And then I hear your voice..
"We should wait"
Like shadows in slow motion
Apologies won't fix this
"You have no idea"
I can't handle it anymore
My breath gave it away
"Take me places"
Keep the fire burning
Pick the roses you planted..





Querido,

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Even if life leads us to the point 
Of slamming doors and hurling words
Silent rooms and empty hallways
I want our souls and bodies
To find their way to each other 
To weave a blanket around each other
And hold us tight and still
Till it's sunshine and rainbows again. 

The Closer the Better

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People said they exist only in the movies
Books may be, that I dug into as a kid.
Got a bit older, and they faded away
I trusted they didn't exist anymore.
May be I was too romantic to be real,
May be 'cause of all the things I saw
Pushed to the verge of giving up.

Then came your shoulder to lean on
Saw myself in you
Shadows of your thoughts
Rest of the world turned to grey
A wave of perfection
A beautiful rhythm,
Running wild, changed everything.

Tell me you want me
With brimming desire
"In your eyes I'm at home"
Bring colour to my skies
Set my heart on fire
"Forgive me for breathing"
Kiss your way into our future.

I don't wish to wait any longer
Let it keep getting better each time
And I don't care if they stop to stare
I miss the taste of our sweet life
Like all the roads I took came to you
"Hands on each other"
"The closer the better"

No Regrets

Photo by Leah Kelley on Pexels.com
I can never forget how colourful it was
Hope alone filled my insides
Gave me a million reasons to smile
To feel better about tomorrow

And it all came crashing down
Shattering me to pieces
The grief so bad,
Memories still make my chest feel heavy

So much that I am tired
Of this place and the people
I probably need ages to replace
All that I had given away

Deep down, I still want it
A home, a garden may be
Yellow sunsets and quiet nights
All fading away in my mind

Our lives will never collide again
And I am never repeating my mistakes
Volumes of trust thrown down the drain
My scars will never heal, and that's fine

I gave my all and I still will to the right one
Only to someone who knows me inside out
Will let the rain drench my soul down
Someday, as I hold his hand in mine.

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