I don’t think I know how to say how I feel right now. The past few days haven’t been good. I know I only write verse here, couldn’t bother this time. It feels like I would choose not to swim even if I knew how to, if I fell.
Its been so long since I chose to repair what life broke in me, I dont know if I am done, but I ve had worser days. Things have changed since, since I chose to leave the doors open. And people did walk in, some of them too amazing to even describe. So much that it is still too good to be real. And this is what changed things deep inside me, it would be such a shame not to acknowledge this soul, atleast now.
When small talk was out of question, conversations lasted hours as time slipped as smoothly as it could around me. Days and weeks passed almost un noticed. It felt calm and serene deep down to stare at this person’s existence, his presence in my life. I didnt need anything else to forget the rest of the world, I still dont know how to say how I feel.
I know I havent even breathed the same air as he has, or been under the same roof as he has. Neither do I know how his shadow looks like, nor have I traced its outlines. I dont know how he likes his things kept, how he treats them, what ink he is into, or how he holds his pen. I havent seen him smile either, except for the blurry image of his face, I know nothing.
Everytime I open my mouth to say how I feel, nothing comes out, it feels terrible. All I can think of is that I could break him and that I would never be able to forgive myself ever in my life. How could I be so cold?If anyone ever tried to do some harm, I can see myself taking the hit, calling myself their eye for an eye for how much he meant to me, so let him go, and take me instead.
Its all blurry and twisted, but I have never felt better in years. I could hardly sleep a few hours a night, nothing I cared about anyways. The mere thought of that fragile soul resting miles away was enough to keep me going. Life isnt all rainbows is it? Neither is our mind, it doesnt let the goodness last. And mine did just that. It brought back the guilt and pain of the past’s mistakes, betrayals and hailstorms. I knew if I knew him I would fall for him, I fell. And realised I had a whole big ocean to swim out of before I could even let him know abut it.
I wished for days that he could see through my walls, and I, his. And when we finally did, it rained, poured cats and dogs. I was already falling and hoped he would hold my gaze for once and realise why it was so hard for me to find a reason, for everything. The rope I was pulling was not going to hold any longer unless he let go, and he did just that. A while later, the waters were calm again, warm and cozy.
Did anything change? My soul craves to hear a “No.” His arms are still around me, and I still believe its easier to let me go. How many times will I be allowed to change my mind? Swing back and forth? It took me this long to find him, years of heartache to feel anything like this, to be aware of a presence this warm and yet its so far away from happening.
‘Why?’.. you ask? Its too good for me, too lovely to be real, and equally scary. Too fragile to take the weight of it, is what keeps running through my mind. What if I have met the right person but at the wrong time? To tell my secrets and hear his, take me back to the stars, silence never felt more beautiful with anyone else. Nothing comes easy, true, he has no idea what he means to me. No idea what it felt like to see the tower fall to the ground. How hard it is to breathe when I cant see him by my side years from now.
To let him leave footsteps in every room, to let him see the depths of me no one was ever allowed to, to change my rules for him. To let him be the only one to see me raw and naked. We have miles to go.
All I want is the strength to hold on to it, to let the colours stay, stay this adorable.